BDSM And Kink: Myths And Reality

An Introduction to Kink

Let me begin this by expressing that I myself am part of a DDLG dynamic with my partner, and it’s heavily featuring in our day to day lives, so would definitely be considered a lifestyle relationship.

While I am only 21, I wholly believe my young age can give me an edge instead of being a hindrance, simply because I’m still learning, and all of my research is still being done in order to widen my horizons and expand my knowledge about the BDSM community.

Kink and BDSM, while from the outside might look more harmful than loving, can end up being the best thing for an individual, and can actually make them feel safer than they’ve ever felt, provided you’re safe and careful when choosing someone to be your BDSM counterpart.

There are many, many subcategories of BDSM and it has to be said that because a lot of vanilla people don’t quite understand the dynamics of BDSM relationships, they tend to develop usually very negative opinions on kink and BDSM.

It is somewhat understandable, considering the Sadism and Masochism that takes place in many of these dynamics, with a lot of uneducated people assuming that BDSM relationships and dynamics are highly abusive, as well as assuming that they are all heavily centered around sex!

I suppose in a way this article is trying to educate not so knowledgable people about the realities of BDSM and kink, and hopefully dispelling some of the myths that surround our little world!

I don’t intend to shove any information down anyone’s throats, but I definitely feel like a few things should be cleared up, and hopefully one day soon, BDSM might become a slightly less judged lifestyle choice, if not more accepted!

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Myth One – Kink doesn’t have an age restriction, because it’s illegal in most places.

We all knew this was going to happen, so let’s just get this one out of the way quickly and move on to the real stuff you want to see.

In a lot of different countries, BDSM and kink based relationships are technically illegal because of the fact they’re considered to be abusive and in the eyes of a judge, it is very difficult for anyone at all to defend themselves in a courtroom and try to explain it was consented to, even when you’re over the legal age of majority (18-21 depending on location, if I’m not mistaken).

The fact that BDSM is illegal in most places to all ages is an argument often used by minors wanting to gain access to a community and lifestyle they really shouldn’t be able to be a part of.

But the reality of the situation is, when you attempt to claim consent in a trial such as this, if you’re under the age of majority, the judge is much more likely to rule coercion of a minor, which would mean that there would be some kind of legal consequence for yourself, your partner, or both of you, depending on the situation.

However, being of age would allow you more solidarity in a court room, as you are considered to be a legal adult, and a plea of consent would be a lot more likely to be heard by a judge and jury.

In all honesty, if the fear of being in trouble with the law isn’t enough for minors to stay away?

I honestly don’t know what will be.

But we can all do our best to keep minors safe, and at arm’s length from the community until they are legally able to defend themselves, should the need arise.

Anyway, moving on.

Myth Two – You have to do everything your Dom(me) tells you to, without question.

This one is another pretty heavy myth, but probably one of the most important.

This one also definitely pertains to the less experienced Dom(me)s *and even Subs!) out there.

Say it with me now, no mean no!

If you’re a Dominant in a BDSM dynamic, you must always gain consent from your Submissive before you do anything with them.

It is as simple as that.

Just because you are their Dominant, that doesn’t for any reason mean they cannot deny you something they don’t want to do at any given time you ask them to.

Demanding something from your Sub because ‘they’re your Sub, and they chose this life’ is very alike to comparing becoming a Submissive to giving up human rights.

If you’re looking for someone to consent to you and submit to you 100% of the time without fail, there are indeed some Submissives that claim to do that.

However, I would go into an arrangement like that with the very real understanding that it probably won’t remain that way forever, simply because humans have changes of hearts and minds, and in a few months, that agreement of 100% submission may not fit them as a person any more, and that’s okay!

The dynamic can be whatever you both/all want it to be!

If you agree to 100% submission, you should definitely discuss any hard limits either of you may have.

Remember, just because someone wants to be beneath you 100% of the time, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll want to do anything you ask.

For example, I once had a Dominant that tried to tell me I had to be okay with a golden shower when he wanted it, because I wanted to submit to him 100%.

This is definitely not the case. If you have hard limits, they should be respected, not belittled, just because that’s something your dominant wants.

So, before you enter a 100% submission agreement, I have some advice for both parties.

Subs, make sure your concerns are heard, make sure that you voice your hard limits and stick to them!

Nobody can tell you that you aren’t a true Submissive if you have hard limits, that simply isn’t true!

And finally, know that you can change your mind. If you don’t want to submit all the time anymore, no Dominant has any right to attempt to keep you in that arrangement.

And Doms, if your Submissive doesn’t seem into it any more? Let them go, or at very least, revise your arrangement.

There are many ways this myth can be dispelled, but honestly, it’s easy.

If you don’t have consent from your Submissive, or if they genuinely seem averse to doing something you ask of them, take a step back, breathe, and just talk to them.

They are much more likely to trust you as a person, and as their Dominant if you respect their boundaries and understand that they aren’t always going to want to submit.

Myth Three – BDSM is always sexual

This is definitely one of the myths that irks me the most, because it’s such a silly statement!

Is your vanilla relationship with your boyfriend always sexual?

Do you go grocery shopping and immediately want to rip each other’s clothes off and do it amongst the carrots?

Well I mean, kinky couples might actually have a fantasy like that, especially if they’re exhibitionists, but I digress.

The bottom line is, nothing is always sexual.

Most relationships, kink-based or not, will eventually have some kind of sexual aspect to them, but while BDSM is widely associated with weird and wonderful sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s always sexual.

The example that I always enjoyed was – a massage. However sensual a massage may be, it’s just a massage, unless you actively turn it into a sexual activity. For some, massages almost always lead to intercourse, but for others, it’s a way to unwind, relax, and really regain comfort in their own skin. The same goes for BDSM.

A lot of people turn to BDSM as a way to unwind, and usually find that Sadism, Masochism, Dominance and Submission (dependent of course on their characteristics) can be incredibly cathartic.

A great example of this is the very real and accurate stereotype that important businessmen want to be put in their place by a Domme every now and again, as it allows them time away from their usual life, along with all the responsibilities they hold.

I have a very good friend in the Dominatrix trade, and she couldn’t agree more with this stereotype.

A lot of her clients come to her, rich middle aged men wanting to be demoralized as a way of relieving tension after stressful workdays.

She also insists that absolutely none of her clients are involved with her sexually, and while many relieve themselves at the end of the session, for her it is absolutely nothing more than a business transaction, and something she does not for sexual reasons, but because she enjoys the powerful feeling that comes from taking charge.

Myth Four – Safe words are made to be used

I honestly think this is a personal feeling, but I know a fair few others that hold the same opinion, so here’s a small section on safe words.

These are obscure words you usually wouldn’t say in your day to day life (in order for them to be easily identifiable in a scene if something is wrong) that immediately bring whatever you are doing to a halt. First off, it is etiquette, of course, if a safe word is uttered by either party (yes – Dominants can be the one to use the safe word! – see Myth Five) to make sure that whoever uttered it is physically, and possibly more importantly, mentally okay.

Safe words, for anyone that doesn’t know, are used as an emergency stop if you will, when a scene you’re taking part in takes a turn you don’t like, or something goes wrong.

I’ve seen people on multiple occasions bragging that they’ve pushed their Sub to say their safe word within a scene, and thinking that makes the scene ‘successful’.

However, this is absolutely not the case.

A massive mantra a lot of people go by in the BDSM community is ‘safe, sane and consensual’, and the idea that you should intentionally push your Submissive (or Dominant) to the point that they are so uncomfortable they feel the need to use their safe word is the opposite of what that mantra promotes.

The less a safe word is used, the better.

If your safe word is being used a lot, it could indicate that you’re consistently pushing the boundaries a little too much for your partner, and this should be addressed immediately, as BDSM dynamics can suffer greatly from lack of communication and care for each other’s wellbeing.

Communicate. Make sure your counterpart is happy, mentally, and that they feel at ease in your arrangement and company.

Myth Five – Only the Submissive can use the safe word

Taking all of Myth Four into consideration, there’s another little detail about safe words that I’m sure would be a nice thing for some Dominants to read.

If you use the safe word before your Sub does – that isn’t a bad thing.

It doesn’t mean you’re soft, or that you can’t handle being a Dominant.

In fact, it’s actually a good thing.

It shows deep compassion for your Submissive, and a need to know that they’re okay.

If they use the safe word, you know for a fact that something is wrong, but if you use it first, it shows a great level of care for your Submissive, and that is one of the most important things in a BDSM dynamic.

Show your Submissive you care.

Myth Six – Fifty Shades of Grey is a good reference point for BDSM relationships.

No. No no no no no! Fifty Shades, while a moderately amusing franchise of films that I will admit I watched because I like Jamie Dornan in a suit, are not by any means a good reference point for BDSM relationships.

In fact, Fifty Shades and the kind of things it promotes in the world of BDSM are honestly laughable, and definitely frowned upon by the real life BDSM community.

While yes, it could be possibly argued that the books and films slightly normalized kink and brought a good few people around to the kinky way of thinking, it definitely did more harm than good for our reputation in the real world.

One main issue that many kinksters had with the franchise was the heavily abusive relationship that Christian and Ana delve into.

The stalking, putting a chip in her phone, buying her a new car and scrapping her old one, using gifts as ammunition against her?

These are all red flags and actually signs of a gaslighting sociopath – so if this is the kind of arrangement you find yourself in, please make sure you know what you are doing.

It could potentially be very dangerous, and damaging to your self worth.

As previously stated, all BDSM relationships, at least all healthy ones, pride themselves on having large amounts of compassion for each other, and making sure that everything is consented to.

This is not what is portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey, and could arguably be where the stigma that Submissives should submit all the time comes from.

Myth Seven – You must include toys in your scenes

This isn’t a myth that I’ve come across as much as the others, but the BDSM community is definitely considered to have a penchant for whips and chains, and all manner of sex toys like vibrators, butt plugs and the like.

While yes, some strands of BDSM – like Sadism/Masochism, Bondage, and certain fetishes feature these objects pretty heavily, that certainly isn’t the case for all subcategories.

I pride myself on being the Little Girl half of a monogamous Daddy Dom Little Girl relationship dynamic (DDLG for short) and we almost never use toys in our play spaces.

I rely much more on items such as Adult Pacifiers for my Little Space because I definitely consider my kink to be mainly non-sexual.

See below for some visuals of the aforementioned products and where you can buy them!

Who said sex toys have to be scary looking? All toys can be cutesy or kitsch, as well as black and intimidating – it just depends on what you prefer!

Having said all of that, it is perfectly acceptable to engage in BDSM scenes with just yourself and your partner.

There doesn’t need to be toys involved if you don’t want them or can’t afford to make that happen.

It makes you no less valid. BDSM has no pattern, and not set rulebook for you to follow. 

You make the rules and limits, and you make it unique.